Does This Chair Make My Butt Look Fat?
Disability & Spinal Cord Injury

Yep. I am, as we say in Cripsville, ‘rockin’ a wheelchair. But you already knew that, right? I’m down here, where I always am, at butt-level. Doing what I always do, hoping no polyester-clad butt in front of me will see fit to unleash a Taco Bell fueled explosion within my personal space. Or face, for that matter. (yes, that totally happens) For shock value, I often  ask Grandpa in the middle of the Target swimsuit racks “Does this chair make my butt look fat?” Oh how I love the looks…

But I know what you’re thinking. Those of us among the ‘sitting crowd’. We know that look. We hear the soft whispers. We laugh with those bold enough from a few too many shots of Patron at the bar who actually do ask! (yes, that totally happened. once. maybe. ok, it totally did but grandpa was right there to wheel my drunk butt away)

For some reason, the adult mind goes there. The small fry’s are different. “How come you’re in a wheelchair? How do you go to the bathroom?” Sometimes, when they are feeling brave, they ask to push… for a ride even. But the grown-ups, they go right in for the kill.

“Can you have sex?”

My initial thought is always “Yes, but it costs way more now”… I don’t however say that out loud. Well, not usually. I can only answer for myself. Yes, I can. Yes, I do. Thanks for playing! Let’s back up. (no pun intended)

Here’s some basic facts regarding spinal cord injuries. Approx. 12,000 people receive a spinal cord injury every year. 78% of those injured are males between the ages of 16-30. (something about being young, dumb show-offs – ‘riskier’ behavior) I don’t fall into that male risky category, just the age one at the time of my injury. (which was 25, thanks for asking) WEAR YOUR SEAT BELTS PEOPLE! (ok, ok, dumb and risky it was)

For males, especially those between 16-30, sex is important, right? Injured or not that’s all they think about other than eating and sleeping. Come to think of it, it’s probably in that order too! Sex, eat, sleep… Anyways, the medical industry puts a crap load of money into not only rehabbing these fine young gents into self-sufficient shape but also into ‘quality of life’ betterment. And, what did we just say made for a great quality of life for these guys? SEX! So, there’s… gadgets! And… stuff. Sometimes, it actually does even work on it’s own! Here’s a challenge for all the single ladies… Next time you see a hot-looking crip dude in a chair, pull out your best, cheesiest pick-up line. They are really great guys, some of which are my friends. I’d like to see them happy!

Now for us girls who don’t need pumps and… gadgets; we’ve got it a bit easier. We can just lay there and pretend like we used to! (kidding, sometimes) Actually, for some odd reason what we lack on the outside that’s ‘workable’ we more than make up for on the inside. (think hyper-sensitive) But, trust me on this one… it still works! We even have shirts, and everyone knows a T-Shirt always makes it official.

Granted, all spinal cord injured peeps are different. Even those with the same exact level of injury. Picture this: Cox has bundled enough of their fancy cable internet connections to power all of Las Vegas inside your body. Your brain is the Cox control station where the on-off switch is kept. Your body is Las Vegas. Now picture a bunch of teenagers up to their prankster shenanigans set loose in the control station with a pair of scissors. Some of you may lose Facebook and your beloved Farmville (dead crops, no milking the purple cows) while others can still watch funny cat videos and enter all Grandma Juice’s giveaways. And sadly, a few of you are left with a dead screen. No chatting, surfing or cat videos for you. Basically, it’s a crap shoot.

Here’s a few others facts about the crip kind.

• We do NOT appreciate it when you use our special bathrooms. Yes, you have more room to chat on your cell, put on more lip gloss and poop. But, you can fit in that smaller stall. Me and my chair, not so much. It’s a toilet, not a luxury suite at The Hilton. Bad form ladies, bad form.
• We do NOT appreciate your talking really, really loud and/or slow. We may be among the sitting crowd but we can hear just fine. Inside voices.
• We do NOT appreciate you taking the last crip spot because it’s raining, hot, windy etc. Even if you’re just ‘running in to grab a gallon of milk’. Don’t leave your grandma sitting in the car for looks either. We’re on to that game and will hunt you down in WalMart and tell you just how rude that was. (yes, this totally happens and embarrass my kids)
• No, you can NOT ‘play’ with my dog. You can however, vote for him HERE to win a very cool dog bed he really, really needs! (thanks!)

Now, answer me this… Does this chair make my butt look fat?